I was not intending to write here again today, but as I was doing other things, I realized that my committment to sharing insisted that I come back and continue today in response to the comment.
I am in the process of creating a 5-module training course. Today I will share enough for you to get started.
When I started to use the term the Power of Respect, I just meant that being respectful to children is a powerful thing to do with them, as I explained in the previous post.
However, when I was preparing for a workshop last year, I learned a deeper, fuller meaning for the Power of Respect. I looked up the meaning in a dictionary put out by Microsoft. It taught me that traditionally when you are respectful to someone, you think only of them and what you can do to please them. It said you defer to them.
That was a flash of light in my brain! With the Power of Respect, you not only want to please them, but you want to please yourself at the same time. That is what makes the Power of Respect so powerful! It is a means to harmony for all involved.
Who wants to be respectful to someone if it means that you have to defer to them and you might be suffering in the process? Well, you might still want to do that if your feelings are so great for the other person, but….. using the Power of Respect is so, so, so overwhelmingly much better….Once you do it, why would you want to do anything else?!?
I have been teaching a strategy, a Power of Respect strategy to help people get going. I have taught it for many years. Originanally it came from P.E.T. back in the 70s, but it has evolved over the years.
It is very powerful. Even if you learn nothing more from me, if you dedicate yourself to using this strategy you and your children/teens will be doing very well.
I have a mini-course on my website http://www.parentchildteacher.com . It’s free, just sign up. You’ll get a series of 12 mini-lessons delivered via email, and it’s based on this strategy. I am including the first lesson, an overview, here.
Seven Simple Steps to end conflict!!
Power of Respect Tools and Skills and a Power of Respect Strategy to
take the “scary” out of trusting your kids:
Conflict is the basis of all the troubles between parents and children. Conflicts develop because everyone has differences: differences in interests, in beliefs, in values, in likes and dislikes. In just about anything you can think of there can be differences between two people. Picture this: no one has the same point of view, no one physically looks out of your eyes except you.
That’s not to say that we don’t have many things in common, but conflict comes when we have differences and do not know how to resolve them in a humane and peaceful manner.
Following is a list of seven steps toward successful, respectful, and peaceful ending of conflict. When you are starting out, you must complete every step to achieve success.
Step One
Set Up the Meeting: Be sure that the time and place chosen and decided on is agreeable with everyone involved. Anyone affected by decisions made at the meeting needs to be at the meeting, or needs to realize that decisions that are made that are binding to them, too. Of course, if you do make a decision that they don’t like, another meeting can be set up to change that.
Be sure that you have paper and pen and a surface to write on.
Step Two
Ground Rules:
1) Define the problem and write it down. Come to agreement on exactly what the problem is. Make sure everyone has the same understanding of the problem before you write the final version of the problem.
Who “owns” the problem? Whose problem is it? Just because something is a problem for one person, it does not mean that it is a problem for everyone. Write down who owns the problem.
2) The solution must be a win-win solution. Everyone needs to understand that no solution will be used if one person does not like it for whatever reason. That idea will be crossed off the list of possible solutions. If only one part of an idea is not liked, only that part needs to be crossed off.
3) Everyone needs to understand that during the brainstorming, which happens next, no one criticizes any idea. This helps keep the ideas flowing. All ideas are written down. If anyone has trouble with this, they need to be reminded that the idea will not be used if someone does not like it, but for now please don’t say anything against it, no moans or groans or negative gestures.
Step Three
Brainstorm for solutions: Write down every idea, no matter how strange, no matter how silly, no matter who likes it or not.
Step Four
Discuss and eliminate any solutions or parts of solutions that are not acceptable to any of the participants. Cross off the idea or part of an idea. It is not usable. Using it would be disrespectful to the person who does not like it. If all ideas are crossed off, you must brainstorm again. You can do it right then, if everyone agrees to do so. However, it is more likely that you will have several ideas or parts of ideas to work with.
Step Five
Negotiation: Decide on acceptable, win-win solutions. Maybe one idea or parts of several ideas will fit together to make a mutually agreeable plan for a solution. Be sure the decision is written down and that everyone understands it in the same way. This is very, very important, if it is to work!
Misunderstandings cause a huge number of problems, huge!
Step Six
Put the solution or solutions into practice. Since each person knows their part of the solution as negotiated and written down (Step Five), now action can proceed.
Step Seven
Meet again and evaluate the success of the solution or solutions: Decide when you are going to meet to let each other know how the plan is working. If everything is going well, continue on, if not, go through the seven steps again to find something that seems like it will work better.
“This process may seem time consuming, but once everyone is practiced at it, you can eliminate the writing, and finding agreements becomes almost automatic. Then the peace in the family seems worth all the efforts at changing in the beginning.”
(from Karen Ryce’s Column Book the Power of Respect)
This can bring peace in the classroom, too, or in any childcare situation. I have taught this process to students as young as 3 – 3½. I taught this by being a mediator for the children and they learned quickly. A few sessions with me and they preferred to do the process themselves rather than spending time waiting while I write down all of their suggestions.
They quickly understood the essence which is that they need to find a win-win solution to their conflicts. After a few sessions they were able to find solutions almost instantly, like, “You can have the swing first if I can hold your bear.”
Through this process everyone’s needs get met, no one feels left out, powerless and uncared for. Everyone feels important and loved.
(Most of this information and much, much more is currently available on the website www.besthelpfortroubledteens.com )
The modules for the course I am designing are:
- Ending Conflict
- Bottom Line = Respect
- Parent As Model
- Trusting Kids
- Raising A Democratic Citizen
I’ll go over these in other blogs.
Best Wishes Always,
Karen Ryce
P.S. Please feel free to share this post as widely as you like.
kvryce
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